Doncha Know, Bobby

Anyone who grew up watching Saturday morning cartoons around the same time I did will recognize the similarities between Sarah Palin and Martha Generic of Bobby's World (aside to Bobby's World fans: Did anyone else ever figure out the gag in their last name? Spelled as "Generic" but pronounced "Jen-a-rick"? When I was googling for a picture of Sarah Martha, I was pleasantly surprised.

I am armed with a transcript and a youtube video of the debate, and I am ready to tear this shit up.

The first question Ifill asked was whether what we are seeing in Washington is its worst or best during the passing of the bailout bill. Admittedly, I don't think that this was a great question. What was Ifill specifically getting at here? Partisanship? Biden said that he thought it was neither, and then went on to talk about how it evidenced how poor our economic policies have been under Bush. Then he succinctly outlined Obama's rescue plan.

Palin on the other hand, starts with this crap about "going to a kid's soccer game" to get a good barometer of the economy. I know that she's trying really hard to be all folksy and a "real person" and "just like us!" but seriously, if she is measuring the economy by how worried parents are at a soccer game, I'm worried. Try watching mortgage rates, the Ted Spread, the Direction of the Treasuries. Try to sound like you know what you're talking about. Palin also spoke only of what McCain had done in the past, rather than what he planned on doing in the future, unlike Biden. She also had the cajones to defend McCain's flimsy attempt to suspend the campaign. Really?? That was a notoriously unpopular decision, so much so that McCain did debate. Do you really want to bring that up?

Ifill then asked what they would do as VP to put partisanship aside. Once again, I don't think this was a great question, and the candidates didn't either, apparently. Biden glazed over it by saying that he has friends on both sides of the aisle, and then asked if he could go back to talking about the economy. Then he brought up McCain's infamous "fundamentals of the economy are strong" blunder.

This is where Palin really started to screw herself. Also the first time she used the phrase "team of mavericks." I'm only going to say this once: YOU CAN NOT BE A TEAM OF MAVERICKS. IT'S LIKE A CLUB OF ANARCHISTS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A MAVERICK IS?

I feel better. Now Palin brings up that Obama has voted along party lines 96% of the time. Are you kidding me? You want to play that game? McCain has the same number for voting in-line with Bush. Everyone knows that by now.
Then she used the word "maverick" again.

On the topic of lenders v. borrowers in the subprime fiasco (what I like to call "the noodle incident"), Palin started off strong by stating that the lenders were to blame (I totally agree with her. BitchPhD posted a good piece from the Columbia Journalism Review pointing out the extremely unethical behavior of lenders like Countrywide). But then! Then she ended with this gem:
...we need also to not get ourselves in debt. Let's do what our parents told us before we probably even got that first credit card. Don't live outside of our means. We need to make sure that as individuals we're taking personal responsibility through all of this.

Nice, Palin, nice. First of all, let's point out that it's fucking impossible to own a car or home or education without debt. So "let's not get ourselves in debt" isn't really feasible, is it? And sure, I agree that folks need to be taking personal responsibility. But as is pointed out in the CJR piece, "irresponsible" individual borrowers did not cause this problem. There have been irresponsible borrowers since debt began. There has not been a huge decay in ethics among all borrowers. So you know, try to stick to the fucking lenders. We don't need a lecture.

Biden didn't answer the question (-1). But he did point out that McCain has been largely in favor of deregulating Wall Street (and health care, for that matter), while Obama has been in favor of imposing more regulations. When Palin got to respond (specifically to what Biden said about health care), I guess she couldn't defend McCain's deregulation policies, because she said outright that she wanted to talk about taxes instead. And then did. WTF.

THEN after she made a shoddy attempt to claim that Obama had voted to raise taxes, which Biden refuted, Biden called her out on not answering the question. The moderator gave her YET ANOTHER chance to respond. What did Miss America Gov. Palin respond with?

I'm still on the tax thing because I want to correct you on that again. And I want to let you know what I did as a mayor and as a governor. And I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I'm going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also.

Wow. Basically she told the moderator, Biden, and everyone watching "FUCK OFF LALALLALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALA"

The closest she got to answering those questions was a weak attempt at claiming McCain's attempts at campaign finance reform and regulating the tobacco industry were evidence of his commitment to regulation. Yes, Sarah, because those two things are exactly the same as Wall Street and Health Care.

I think Biden nailed her when it actually was the time to talk about taxes. She tried to claim that small businesses would hurt under Obama's plan to increase taxes for those making over $250,000. Biden pointed out that 95% of small businesses make less than that, and won't see an increase. Palin also tried to promote McCain's $5,000 tax credit for health insurance, and Biden was quick to point out that the tax credit will be paid for by taxing our health insurance through our employers, then giving that money to the insurance companies. And then that 12 million of us will be dropped from our regular plans for the $5,000 plan. Swish!

Ifill then asked what promises the campaigns had previously made that they could no longer keep in light of the economy shitting blood on everyone. Biden gave an answer ("slow down" commitment to double foreign assistance). Then he went on to explain how they planned on not going through with tax cuts to the wealthy and oil companies promised by the current administration, and what they absolutely would continue to do (providing incentives for new jobs with an energy policy, education, universal health care).

Palin? Did not answer the fucking question again. Wanted to talk about the energy plan now. Is she even listening? She also slipped in a "bless their hearts." Acting like my mother DOES NOT EXCUSE YOU FROM ANSWERING THE QUESTION.

Then Ifill called her on it. "there's nothing...you would take off the table?" Now there has to be something. Biden manned up and admitted at least one thing. Come on, be honest here. It will build trust. Everyone will respect you for it. We're all waiting with baited breath:

"There is not."

Strike three, Governor.

AND THEN. OH MY GOD:

And how long have I been at this, like five weeks? So there hasn't been a whole lot that I've promised.

WHAAAAAAA? Allow me to translate: "I've only been following this whole "politics" thing for five weeks! Golly, I didn't really know a gosh darn thing about it before, huh? At least not enough to know what to tell ya we're gonna do for ya!"

Governor Palin. Please. I know this only happened a little while ago for you, but if your political knowledge doesn't expand beyond this time, why the hell are you in politics?

Later, Biden was talking about his stance on bankruptcy, and said that he believed McCain's stance differed (but that he wasn't sure if he differed). When asked if that was true, Palin said "That is not so." Okay, fine. It's not true. Care to elaborate on that? NO, she DIDN'T care to elaborate. She wants to talk about ENERGY instead. And so she did.

Ifill was all, okay bitch, let's play energy. What of climate change? Predictably, Palin tried to blame it on "cyclical temperature changes." READ A BOOK PALIN. Then she said she didn't want to argue about causes. As Jon Stewart so eloquently put it when Palin said the same thing during the Couric interviews: THE CAUSES MATTER. We don't know what caused your lung cancer, but here, have another cigarette! You can't fix it if you don't know how it started. Biden said as much. And admitted that global warming is manmade. I applaud you, sir.

The next question was on gay marriage. This is a big one for me. Ifill asked if they supported granting same-sex benefits. Biden did well here. He said he was absolutely in favor of it. I was cheering him on. Palin answered like the bigoted homophobe that we all know her to be. She stated that granting same-sex benefits goes "closer and closer" to redefining marriage and that would be "unfortunate." Then she tried to say that she would be "tolerant" of people "choosing" those relationships. So obviously she is super-enlightened on homosexuality. And really committed to tolerance. Then she said outright that gay marriage was a no for her, but that she would never do anything to prohibit things like hospital visitations. Well that's mighty generous of you, Governor, but guess what? Not granting gay marriage AUTOMATICALLY makes those things impossible for gay couples. And a lot of other things too. Thanks a lot for ensuring that gays remain second-class citizens. So "tolerant" of you.

Ifill didn't fuck around here. She just asked Biden straight up if he supported same-sex marriage, rather than just benefits. His answer rang in my ears: "No." Aw, Biden. Why'd you have to drop the ball here. I know he "has" to say this, or whatever, and I knew that he had taken this stance before (So has Obama, unfortunately). But it hurts so much. In 25 years, this bigotry will be as outrageous as having blacks drink in separate fountains from whites. But why can't they see it now?? We have such a long way to go in this country.

On the topic of the war, Palin went on to claim that "the central war on terror is in Iraq." No it's not, you ass. Iraq didn't attack us. Iraq is where the oil and money war is. Go fuck yourself.

Palin also said this, which just killed me: ...with some of these dictators who hate America and hate what we stand for, with our freedoms, our democracy, our tolerance, our respect for women's rights...

I love this rhetoric. "THEY HATE OUR FREEDOM!" Yeah, people hate freedom. That's exactly the problem. They are super-villains who hate freedom and want to enslave the human race. Oh, and our "respect" for women's rights? You respect women's rights? YOU? REALLY? You are EXACTLY the kind of person who is RUINING WOMEN'S RIGHTS.

She also said that it was "beyond bad judgment" and "dangerous" to attempt diplomacy with enemies. Yeah, let's just bomb the shit out of everyone we disagree with. Don't talk about it first or anything. Since it's so "dangerous" to have an open discussion with people you disagree with. God, you are like the second coming of Christ, aren't you, Palin?

But then? Then she said that they would engage in diplomacy "first and foremost, but diplomacy is hard work by serious people." Huh? So engaging in diplomacy is "dangerous," but you would try it first? But it's too hard and only for serious people? So you aren't serious? And can't do it? Man, you ought to be a salesperson. Because you are really selling me on yourself.

You know what, this is a really long fucking post. And as I'm looking at the transcript, I could keep going and going and going. But I think we all get the idea. And I want to point out Palin's latest blunder (misquoting Madeline Albright in stating that all women who don't support her are going to hell) over at Jezebel. The Jezebel author did a good job of telling Palin to go fuck herself, so I'll let you go read that for yourselves.

Since my brains started leaking out of my ears before I could finish dissecting the debate, why doesn't everyone share their favorite "Jesus Christ WTFOMGBBQ" moment in the comments?