Tuesday, January 27, 2009

This post may contain hilarious euphemisms and feminist outrage

The fuck, conservatives? When are you going to learn that PEOPLE HAVE SEX? There is NOTHING you can do to change that. We are humans. We fuck. Bone. Fornicate. Rodger. Bump uglies. Boff. Bury the weenie. Knock boots. Insert things into other things, repeatedly and rhythmically.

Are all conservatives 5 years old, inserting their fingers into their ears, grimacing, and squinching their eyes shut when something reminds them that we fuck? Because they keep doing things like banning the sale of "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs." For serious, Georgia??

This ordinance is primarily aimed at the sale of sex toys, but also affects things like ribbed condoms, lube, and at-home adult novelty parties (Pampered Chef parties are for my mother. I want me some pampered snatch). I don't see any provision limiting Viagra sales. But, you know, God didn't intend for women to enjoy sex, and it's fucking sinful for them to seek out the means to an orgasm. Let me just find my Bible here...ah, here it is:

"And on the eighth day, Eve did complaineth that Adam's holy eruptions were hasty and sloppy, and that she wisheth to erupt of her own. And God did see that there would be no use for Adam, and so he forbade Eve from touching her forbidden fruits. And he did sayeth to Eve: Women, ye shall layeth on thy back, and spreadeth thy legs, and thou shalt not seek thy happiness any further. Oh, and thou shalt maketh Adam and me a sammich."
-Genesis 4:12

Why does sex scare conservatives so much? If they feel that products like The Fister are perverse, why can't they just abstain from using them in their own lives and let others fist to their hearts' content? The use of dildos and cock rings and lube doesn't interfere with their lives. Whether someone uses their jelly glitter dildo tonight or not doesn't change ANYTHING in anyone's life. This "moral indignation" is absurd and antiquated, and now that an ultra-conservative is no longer in power, these frivolous ordinances ought to stop.

On a similarly outrageous note, Republicans forced Obama to remove a $200 million addition to his $825 billion stimulus package that would have allowed 23 states to cover contraceptive services for the poor who don't qualify for Medicaid, without a long application process. It was basically a package that would have let women in 23 states do exactly what I did this summer when I was unemployed: Obtain free birth control from a family-planning organization although I did not qualify for Medicaid (but did not have the insurance to cover a gynecologist or the money to cover the cost of a prescription). It's not like the package was sneaking birth control into the water. It was meant to cut down on wait times and administrative costs, and get low-income women the reproductive healthcare that they need. But Republicans were all "ICKY! WHY WOULD ANYONE NEED BIRTH CONTROL? WOMEN DON'T HAVE SEX! I'M HOLDING MY BREATH 'TIL I PASS OUT IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW!"

So instead of letting them all faint and bang their heads against the coffee table and die, Obama had to pull the funding out so the rest of the package would pass. Obama, you're a stand-up guy, but this "reach across the aisle" shit doesn't fly with me if it means that the government keeps denying us access to reproductive health services.

Damnit, Republicans. Don't tell me not to park the beef bus in Tuna Town.


Herding Cats said...

Ugh that's infuriating. Are things ever going to change?

White Trash Academic said...

Yeah, I lived in the FL panhandle for 2 years and was suprised to learn that you could not purchase adult DVDs. If you wanted them, you had to drive across state lines or order them via snail mail...it was weird.

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