NSFW, if you're a big weepy baby like me

This story made me openly weep at work. I had to stop reading it.

This nine-year-old has a terminal cancer, and he was too sick to go to the John Deere Museum like he wanted. So all of the people in his farming community held a parade of tractors and fire trucks and other farming machinery past his window for him. Then he died. What?! I know it's depressing! Shut up! I'M BLEEDING FROM MY 'GINA SO THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME, OKAY??

Where I live is cooler than where you live

Sometimes, as the work week trudges on and time drags endlessly, it seems that I live in a completely ordinary place that's no different than any other place I've lived. We get up, go to work, and then come home. We order McDonald's or Chinese take-out when we're too tired to cook. We know what shows are on which nights, and relish 30 Rock Thursdays and Biggest Loser Tuesdays (don't judge. I like to watch it while I eat a big bowl of ice cream, and contemplate the wonders of metabolism).

But then sometimes we leave our apartment, and then we have a night like last night. These nights help me remember why I love living here.

Coraline opened last night, so we made plans to see it downtown after work. I have to say, this was one of the best children's movies I have seen in a long time. The stop-motion animation was a refreshing change from the constant deluge of Pixar computer-animated flicks. The visuals were incredible. The creators constructed a beautiful and detailed world, right down to the cracks on the ceiling in Coraline's bedroom. Aside from the visuals, the movie featured a strong and spunky female heroine, who takes on an evil other-world to save her parents. In these times of damsel-in-distress Twilight crap, I'm happy to see a strong female character. Did I mention that we saw it in 3D? When we chose the theater I wasn't aware that it was showing in 3D, but it was a pleasant surprise. Instead of a hokey, overdone film that is made to showcase 3D technology, it had just a smattering of effects that emphasized the visuals. There wasn't anything ridiculous flying at you; instead, the 3D simply complemented the movie. Tasteful, if you will.

Then we left the movie just in time to hit up a bookstore before it closed. I chose The Glass Castle and The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I'm reading the latter six years too late, apparently, but what young adult doesn't need a healthy dose of teenage angst?).

And then! Then we started to go home. We walked to the 59th street subway, and headed to the lower level to catch the express. There, we saw a group of people at the far end of the platform, encircling two other people. We ventured closer, and then I realized what it was: Subway Theater! For those not in the know, there is a troop of actors in New York who regularly perform entire plays throughout the subway system. The catch is that you don't know when or where the play starts, and you must purchase a ticket to find out that information. I attempted to buy a ticket months ago, but all showings have been sold out for quite some time. So we were very lucky to walk in just a few acts into the beginning. The way it works is that the audience follows a host through the subway to see the next scenes, and the final destination is unknown. After we found the play, the host led us upstairs to the next scene, where waiting actors and live muscians were staging a ballroom dance. After that scene, the host led us to another platform, where she monologued while we waited for the next train. The actors actually move the props onto the train and perform the whole scene there. At one point, a train arrived with the props already set, if that gives you any indication as to the detail and planning of the event. The whole thing almost felt like a game; a scavenger hunt for the next scene. Also, the faces of the people who were on the trains were priceless. Everyone's just sitting in the car, late on a Friday, and then the doors open and 40 people flood in, a guy drags in a desk and a backdrop, and they perform the scene of a play. The doors open, and everyone leaves just as fast as they came in. New York is full of what-the-fuck moments, but this really takes the cake.

The other catch here is that you do not know where the play will finish. Luckily for us, it ended at our exact subway stop. What are the odds, I ask you?!

And today, I'm going with a friend to be an extra in some low-budget fashion reality TV show. This sure beats the weekends of my childhood, which we spent hanging out in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart. I have a crush on this city.

Toddlers and Tiaras

For the last year and a half of college I eschewed cable in favor of...um...rent money, and I didn't really miss it that much. But since I've had cable again, I don't know how I ever lived without TLC. I am addicted to this damn channel, especially what I like to call the Sunday night freak-show lineup. This is when TLC airs gems like "Pregnant Man" and "Woman with half a body who gets around on a skateboard" and "Billion-ton elephant guy who eats way too much fried chicken." Oh, and let's not forget the round-the-clock obsession with dwarfism (although at this point, is it really so interesting or exotic anymore? Especially the dwarf-family reality shows. I mean, the only difference I see is that they have shorter countertops. Those shows are really quite boring).

Anyway, there's this series called "Toddlers and Tiaras," and it covers the world of child beauty pageants. HATE. What kind of parent puts their damn toddler out to be judged on beauty and their appearance in a swimsuit? It's a disgusting display of enforcing arbitrary standards of feminism. The parents coach their daughters for hours a day on how to runway-walk, shake their hips (and sometimes chests), and wink seductively at judges. All of the parents defend themselves with the same line: "It builds self-esteem." SHENANIGANS, pageant parents. Judging your child's worth based on their appearance and imitations of sexuality will not make them feel good about themselves and their abilities later in life. All they will learn is that their worth is based on how feminine they appear. This particular featured pageant even has categories for "best eyes," "best hair," and "photogenic winner." The "talent" portion is no more than a token addition. Clearly appearance and femininity are what matters here.

If you want to build self-esteem in your daughter, there are a lot of things that you could base it on that have real and lasting use. Enroll her in a sport so that she can learn how strong and capable her body is. Spend your money on books, so she can start learning how wonderful reading is. Put her in front of an easel with fingerpaints, and tell her how much you admire her creativity. Let her play dress-up and explore her idenitity at home. But for the love of christ, don't make her parade out on a stage in front of judges in a swimsuit, shake her hips, spin, look seductively over her shoulder, tilt her sunglasses over her nose and wink at the judges. That's not how self-esteem is built. That's how you get a girl whose self-worth is overly-dependent on the opinions of others.

So, I get to kick him in the balls if I see him now, right?

Did anyone catch Bush the Elder making this reeeeeeeeeaaaally sexist joke in a speech to some sort of automakers' forum?


Because I'm home from work today (no heat in the office! Woo hoo!), I've taken the liberty of transcribing it, just in case you'd rather read it:

"One time, we thought we'd outsmarted the crowd. We sent a decoy limousine off in one direction, while I snuck out in the back entrance. As we rounded the corner-I'll never forget it-uh, I saw one of the ugliest and angriest women I have ever seen in my entire life. Boy, she was really bad. And she charged my car with a sign-and I don't see why the secret service let her up that close, right next to the window-'Stay outta my womb!' No, problem, lady."

America, how could we have let assmonkeys like this be PRESIDENT?? Why doesn't Bush just tell a black joke while he's at it? "Ha, feminists are UGLY and ANGRY and they can't have sex because they're so UGLY. Get it?" Bush, feminists exist because feces-heads like you can't figure out that women don't exist just to look pretty and have sex with you. She's angry because you DON'T FUCKING GET WHAT HER SIGN MEANS.

"Jokes" like that aren't fucking funny, ESPECIALLY when they come from a former president. It's just scary that this country was run by that man in my short lifetime. No wonder we still have pay disparities and fights about how and when we can have babies and sex and play professional sports. We let a bunch of sexist privileged white men into office. Shame on you, 1989 voters.

Oh, one more thing, Bush. If you think the womb is where sex happens, I feel real sorry for Barbara.

This post may contain hilarious euphemisms and feminist outrage

The fuck, conservatives? When are you going to learn that PEOPLE HAVE SEX? There is NOTHING you can do to change that. We are humans. We fuck. Bone. Fornicate. Rodger. Bump uglies. Boff. Bury the weenie. Knock boots. Insert things into other things, repeatedly and rhythmically.

Are all conservatives 5 years old, inserting their fingers into their ears, grimacing, and squinching their eyes shut when something reminds them that we fuck? Because they keep doing things like banning the sale of "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs." For serious, Georgia??

This ordinance is primarily aimed at the sale of sex toys, but also affects things like ribbed condoms, lube, and at-home adult novelty parties (Pampered Chef parties are for my mother. I want me some pampered snatch). I don't see any provision limiting Viagra sales. But, you know, God didn't intend for women to enjoy sex, and it's fucking sinful for them to seek out the means to an orgasm. Let me just find my Bible here...ah, here it is:

"And on the eighth day, Eve did complaineth that Adam's holy eruptions were hasty and sloppy, and that she wisheth to erupt of her own. And God did see that there would be no use for Adam, and so he forbade Eve from touching her forbidden fruits. And he did sayeth to Eve: Women, ye shall layeth on thy back, and spreadeth thy legs, and thou shalt not seek thy happiness any further. Oh, and thou shalt maketh Adam and me a sammich."
-Genesis 4:12

Why does sex scare conservatives so much? If they feel that products like The Fister are perverse, why can't they just abstain from using them in their own lives and let others fist to their hearts' content? The use of dildos and cock rings and lube doesn't interfere with their lives. Whether someone uses their jelly glitter dildo tonight or not doesn't change ANYTHING in anyone's life. This "moral indignation" is absurd and antiquated, and now that an ultra-conservative is no longer in power, these frivolous ordinances ought to stop.

On a similarly outrageous note, Republicans forced Obama to remove a $200 million addition to his $825 billion stimulus package that would have allowed 23 states to cover contraceptive services for the poor who don't qualify for Medicaid, without a long application process. It was basically a package that would have let women in 23 states do exactly what I did this summer when I was unemployed: Obtain free birth control from a family-planning organization although I did not qualify for Medicaid (but did not have the insurance to cover a gynecologist or the money to cover the cost of a prescription). It's not like the package was sneaking birth control into the water. It was meant to cut down on wait times and administrative costs, and get low-income women the reproductive healthcare that they need. But Republicans were all "ICKY! WHY WOULD ANYONE NEED BIRTH CONTROL? WOMEN DON'T HAVE SEX! I'M HOLDING MY BREATH 'TIL I PASS OUT IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW!"

So instead of letting them all faint and bang their heads against the coffee table and die, Obama had to pull the funding out so the rest of the package would pass. Obama, you're a stand-up guy, but this "reach across the aisle" shit doesn't fly with me if it means that the government keeps denying us access to reproductive health services.

Damnit, Republicans. Don't tell me not to park the beef bus in Tuna Town.

She might be ready for it, but I'm not

My grandmother is in the hospital for the first time in 53 years. The last time was for the birth of my father. She has an enlarged heart, and was experiencing some difficulty breathing and fluid retention. Apparently, she is expected to do fine for the time being and should go home Monday with no problems. But at one point (I'm sure because of her age) her doctor had to obtain her wishes regarding resuscitation, should the worst happen. My father told me her answer:

"I'm done."

It's a new day

Perhaps I am the only blogger who didn't post on the momentous and historical occasion yesterday. However, you won't begrudge me forgiveness when you learn that I scored reservations at the posh (does anyone use that word anymore?) 21 Club for restaurant week (a week of discounts at select uber-fancy restaurants), and was busy indulging in game terrine, braised beef, and a half-bottle of shiraz all night. And then promptly falling into a satisfying, full-belly stupor upon my return home.

That said, I am glad that I waited to post, because today I realized that I feel something different than what I felt yesterday. Yesterday I felt proud, excited, almost giddy. For the first time in my adult life, I was actually proud of my government. When President Obama danced with his wife, I wanted to dance along in my living room. Today, however, I felt something different: Safe.

I realized that for the first time in eight years, this country is controlled by a competent, qualified person. A person who earned his position, rather than inheriting it from daddy. A person who is educated. A person who recognizes the importance of serving the disenfranchised of the nation. A person who can read (read this Vanity Fair piece. People were asked to avoid giving Bush long memos, because he's "not a big reader." This among other, more serious travesties, like, um, ignoring 9/11 warnings?).

This administration is not interested in forcing the tenants of conservative Christianity on the masses (shout-out to "non-believers" in the inaugural speech, anyone?). It does not want to tell me what to do with my uterus. It does not want to serve the interests of the wealthy, or large corporations, or the oil industries before the interests of the people. It does not want to start frivoulous wars. It does not want to model this country off of the plot of The Handmaid's Tale.

Already we have seen change, and it's only been a day. President Obama ordered Guantanamo closed within the year. He showed support for Roe V. Wade on its anniversary today, stating that it "not only protects women's health and reproductive freedom, but stands for a broader principle: that government should not intrude on our most private family matters." He is expected to reverse the "global gag rule" that banned US aid to organizations that perform abortions or refer women to abortion clinics. He started talks with his national security team to pull troops out of Iraq in 16 months.

But there's more. The Obama administration website has been overhauled, and there is an entire "agenda" section that clearly states future plans, organized by categories such as "poverty" and "civil rights." Some of my favorite highlights:

President Obama and Vice President Biden will work to overturn the Supreme Court's recent ruling that curtails racial minorities' and women's ability to challenge pay discrimination. (side note: as I write this, the senate has just passed Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. We got this shit locked down). They will also pass the Fair Pay Act, to ensure that women receive equal pay for equal work, and the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity or expression.

President Obama and Vice President Biden will ban racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies and provide federal incentives to state and local police departments to prohibit the practice.

President Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples. Obama also believes we need to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions. These rights and benefits include the right to assist a loved one in times of emergency, the right to equal health insurance and other employment benefits, and property rights.

President Obama voted against the Federal Marriage Amendment in 2006 which would have defined marriage as between a man and a woman and prevented judicial extension of marriage-like rights to same-sex or other unmarried couples.

President Obama agrees with former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff John Shalikashvili and other military experts that we need to repeal the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. The key test for military service should be patriotism, a sense of duty, and a willingness to serve. Discrimination should be prohibited. The U.S. government has spent millions of dollars replacing troops kicked out of the military because of their sexual orientation. Additionally, more than 300 language experts have been fired under this policy, including more than 50 who are fluent in Arabic. The President will work with military leaders to repeal the current policy and ensure it helps accomplish our national defense goals.

There are more promises. Clear-as-day promises, in 24 categories. President Obama has four years to make good on them. I am not naive enough to believe that he will fulfill every single one. I am not naive enough to think that he will always make decisions with which I agree. But I know what I saw today from the Obama administration. I saw potential. For now, that's enough to make me feel like an American.